Surprised by Grief

In Stephen King’s 1996 novel, The Green Mile, inmate John Coffey grabs the death row supervising officer. Paul Edgecombe, pulling him close, not to harm, but to heal him. Coffey draws out the officer’s infection into his own body, and then opens his mouth and releases a cloud of insect-like particles that dissipate into the air, thus removing the physical and emotional pain of sickness and death. As I experienced the loss of my mother this past week, I used that scene to describe the way grieving felt. 

As a pastor, I have ministered to the sick and dying for years. I have even had the privilege of standing beside beloved saints, reading scripture to them, or praying with them as they passed from this life into eternity. Their passing has saddened me; I have sympathized and even wept with families in their loss. But this past week, I grieved. It was a pain that ached in my soul. I confided in a close friend that I never truly understood what a guttural cry was until now. The experience of opening the mouth to cry and having no sound come out, and yet feeling some of the pain leaving me. And I was shocked by all of it. The flood of tears, the periodic waves of emotion that welled up in me, and the deep pain that reverberated in my heart and soul. 

I was surprised by the grief for several reasons. First, I’m generally a pretty steady guy. My emotions are never really on the mountain top or in the depths of the valley. I handle stress and turmoil with relative ease. Second, I have lost loved ones before. My grandfather, grandmother, and an aunt I was close with have all passed away. I have even been a pallbearer at each of their funerals. Third, I am a pastor who knows what the Bible says about what happens when one dies. In knowing that my mother was going to pass, I even preached a sermon on the subject the Sunday before her death. I believe and continue to affirm all that the Bible teaches. Fourth and finally, my mother was a believer; she kept the faith to her final breath, and she is now in the presence of her Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I do not doubt in the slightest that she is experiencing greater joy and the fullest love she has ever known. Yet, the knowledge of all these things, and yet, the pain continues to be real and raw.  I thought all the things I’ve listed would help me pass through the valley of the shadow of death without the level of pain I’ve experienced, but I was wrong. And if you think that you will escape the pain of loss because you know the right things, you would be wrong as well. Everyone experiences a level of pain and loss, whether they express it or not. 

Not everyone will have the same experience when it comes to loss and grief. My dad, my sister, and I all felt and expressed grief differently in the loss of my mother. My dad shed very few tears. I know he is sad, and I know he misses my mom, but he is not an expressive man, and he is a man of great faith who clings to the truth of the gospel hope found in Christ. My sister did shed tears and still does over my mother, but there was more of a sense of relief in knowing that my mother is no longer burdened by the infirmities of these jars of clay. I, however, did shed many tears and felt the loss very deeply. I believe we will all continue to have waves of emotion and grief in the days, months, and years to come. My point is that there is not a one-size fits all when it comes to grief, and one must not expect others to grieve in the same way or for the same length of time as others. 

Part of me wishes that you would never have to experience a deep sense of grief. But the reality is that some of you will experience grief at an even deeper level than I have. If you do, please understand that your experience is not necessarily because you lack strength, knowledge, or faith. You’re experiencing grief because God has a purpose in the pain. Every song that I’ve heard since my mother’s passing that speaks about the victory of Christ over death has hit me with greater profundity than ever before. Every scripture I have read since that time that speaks of the hope of the resurrection creates greater longing in my heart for the return of Jesus. Every discussion, text thread, or headline that deals with things that are not about the ultimate reality of life and death and one’s eternal destiny seems a little less important than they once did. If Romans 8:28 is true (And It Is!), it means that God will use even death and grief for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. His purpose is to awaken you to your mortality and need for salvation. His purpose is to strengthen your faith in His resurrection power. His purpose is to create greater dependence on Him. His purpose is to create longing in your heart for His return. So grieve deeply, but as a believer, grieve with hope in the coming of the Lord when the dead in Christ will rise first and those who are alive at the time will be caught up in the air, and we will always be with the Lord (1 Thess 4:13-17). 

The sting of death has not yet been removed. But do not despair and do not be conquered by it because Christ has put death to death. He has overcome the grave. Keep trusting the promises of God and persevere by His power. His grace is sufficient, and His power is made perfect in weakness (2 Cor 12:9). In days when your grief resurfaces, trust that the Spirit is praying for you with groanings too deep for words (Rom 8:26). Lean on your brothers and sisters in Christ, whom God has given for support and encouragement. And most of all look to Jesus, who is your living hope.

If you, too, have been surprised by the breadth and depth of grief, do not run from it in fear or embrace it as a constant companion, but acknowledge it and express it…daily take it to the Lord in prayer…pour it out to Him…trust that one day He will wipe away every tear…and live today to honor Him in life and death.